In the Belly of a Whale of a Tale

For years I’ve had a place I go when my old story arrives. I call it Sarah’s Swamplandia. It’s a familiar place. Where I don’t give myself time to drop under the story. To feel and sense into what I’m feeling in my body. Instead I nurse the pain and woundedness I’m feeling with the old story.

Working with Denise has taught me the more willing I am to sit with the strong feelings, the feelings my old story masks, the more I can shine light on the cyclic ups and downs I’ve ridden for a long time. I can see how the old story takes me right down into swamp when I feel sucker punched by life. Where I can swamp wallow for days.

My woundedness is an existence wound. A very early core wound. I understand my old story, about how I don’t exist, was cultivated in the fertile ground of the core wounding. I understand why this old story has been largely invisible to me because our old stories are deeply embedded in us. In our nature. In our cells.

My New Normal

So, what if there is no normal?  What if I don’t know what is going on or what anything is supposed to look like? What if all there is, is feeling my way through, moment to moment? What if I lived more from my heart, moving at my own pace, and not being enchanted by my shit spraying mind fan?

The truth is this: There is no normal.  It doesn’t exist.  Unexpected shit exists. Complicated exists.  Messy exists.  We’re part of a messy species.  Messy alone.  Messy in our lives.  Messy in our relationships.  We stumble along.  On our individual paths.  Paved with uncertainty and surprises.  We experience moments of fear, dread, anger, loss and tears.  And we experience moments of grace, compassion, joy, connectedness and laughter.

My new “NORMAL” seems to be a jumbled-up-bumbling-around-finding ground-losing ground-finding my way again kind of dance.  I no longer look for THE ONE normal path.  Paved with my good intentions and wishes.  Or my blood, sweat, and tears.  Where I frantically and neatly sanitize all the messiness that comes with being here and being present.